Do not index
Do not index
Introduction
I rely on images to picture my ideal life because I am nowhere near to achieving it. I imagine my life through the lives of others, using their image to make my ideals clear. A vision board of lives collected to represent my life goals. I look at them and try to see myself reflected in them. Wondering if it's possible to mold myself to be their reflection. I look to their beauty to try to see my own. When did I start to focus on others’ beauty instead of my own? When did I start to believe that I had no natural beauty? When did I start to focus on others and reject myself? My self-image has been warped and distorted. This innate feeling of worthlessness leads me to do everything I can to try to fix myself - abandoning myself. When was I last satisfied looking at myself in the mirror? I can see myself and I feel distant from the person that I see. When did I start favoring others' images instead of my own?
We all take on many different images in our lives - how others view us and how we view ourselves. I’ve taken on many images in my life. I’ve been the good, obedient daughter. I’ve been the ugly, awkward black girl. None of these images accurately reflected how I felt on the inside. None of these images reflected who I wanted to be. I’ve tried many times to try to conjure an image of myself that is all my own, but I haven’t succeeded. My whole life, I’ve believed that I am lacking compared with everyone else - that my self-image is lacking. It’s something that needs to be changed, that I desperately need to be changed. The constant need to separate myself from the person that I’ve been for my entire life is overwhelming and a constant feeling of sadness within me. The person I am and the person I want to be aren’t aligned, there is a disconnect between the future and the present.
I stare at myself in the mirror trying not to cling to the present instead of drifting off into the past or being absorbed by the anxiety of the future and I ask myself: how can I bridge that gap?
I’ve been in a cycle of failed ‘self-healing’ for years now. Trying to overcome insecurity, hatred, and fear of myself and turn into something more has been a process that I feel has failed for so long. I feel stuck with this image that other people have placed on me and I want to unlearn it. It has been very slow. I’ve asked myself these questions, ‘Who am I?’ and ‘Who do I want to be?’ I’ve always had this dream of myself in my ideal form, but my reality falls too far behind. During this process, I delved into research to try to understand and contextualize all that I’ve been feeling. I learned about ‘self-concept’ which is a constructed belief that you have about yourself.
Self-Concept
Self-concept answers the question ‘Who am I?’ The answer we provide can be distorted if it doesn’t align with reality. It is linked to two other pivotal aspects of self: self-esteem and ideal self. If one of these aspects is not aligned with the others it leads to incongruence. Incongruence negatively affects self-esteem. The nature of incongruence is rooted in childhood development - factors of environment like family life and status while in school. The goal is for our self-esteem, self-concept, and ideal self to be aligned. This is where we get our image to fall perfectly into frame. Our thoughts, beliefs, and emotions about ourselves can be changed as all these feelings naturally fluctuate. Self-concept can be molded; our self-esteem will change along with it.
If it can be changed, how do we do it?
Our self-concept relies on the beliefs that we have about ourselves, so we have to change our negative beliefs into positive ones. As simple as it’s written is not as simple in application. Our thoughts and perceptions affect our reality; what we think becomes true. Our mindset is a powerful tool that determines our actions in our lives. Changing our mindset changes our lives. Controlling our inner dialogue by opposing negative and limiting speech and replacing them with neutral, and eventually positive, words help in building ourselves up. We have to make continuous, conscious efforts to replace opposing thoughts with positive ones. One of the ways that people do this is by reciting affirmations. Focus on the negative beliefs you have about yourself and recite positive beliefs.
I am ugly → I am becoming beautiful.
For me, this might be the easiest way. Not to assume the positive is already true but that I am actively working on making the positive belief reality. Many people use affirmations to manifest these grand fantasies they have for their lives. In changing my self-concept, I want to start practically. One of the things that negatively affects me is my desire to control everything. I want things to happen on my schedule. I can be very impatient. So, to counteract this I will tell myself, ‘I will not hold myself accountable for things beyond my control.’ I can say this to myself whenever I tend to try to rush things or try to fix things. Affirmation and manifesting help when you are doing the things you are saying.
Focusing on internal validation instead of valuing external validation. One of the best things I’ve ever heard someone say is, “Don’t let others' perception of you become your reality.” I allow the external world to determine how I feel about myself internally. Any negative reaction I take personally and that affects my self-concept. Detaching your worth from other people leads to self-validation and that leads to improved self-concept. These are all factors that help improve our view of ourselves in the long term.
Conclusion
I no longer want to rely on other’s images to validate my own. I no longer want to put my sense of worth into the hands of others. I don’t want to exist as a mere reflection of another person but to be my own singular image. To exist comfortably within myself while not finding fault in everything that I am. Self-concept relates to our self-image. An impaired self-concept creates a negative self-image. Improving our self-concepts improves our self-image. We might finally be able to love ourselves if we change how we talk to and about ourselves. If we seek internal validation and detach ourselves from the opinions of others. It’s not our image that changes but our perception of our image that contributes to our happiness.
To reach a higher level of being, you must assume a higher concept of yourself.
